I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
You Might Also Like
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.