Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

You saw nothing. I am ham.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

me adding lol on a serious message

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.