Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

wish me luck lads

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”