I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
You Might Also Like
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: