I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
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“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
all that yoga finally paid off
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.