I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
You Might Also Like
My friend is an excellent librarian.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Hey I worked for it too!
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”