I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know