I used to be married, but I’m better now
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Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew