I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
respect
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.