I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
mumsnet is amazing
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*