I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.