I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
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“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I am HOWLING at this
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.