I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
You Might Also Like
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.