I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
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[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright