I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
You Might Also Like
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
dude it’s called proctologist
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.