I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭