I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.