I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
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Don’t talk down to me
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??