I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
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me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test