I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
These are my roll models.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”