I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
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Alcohol causes Dancer
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Smile they said.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.