I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
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I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones