I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.