“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
They’re called werewolves.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.