I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
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i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon