I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*