I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
some cats are just doing for fun!
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Monday?
No. Next question.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.