I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
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“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My nickname in high school was “who?”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭