I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
We like the way Dwight thinks
I can’t wait!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there