thanksgiving in nutshell
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.