I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

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IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back



-my dog, when I wax


I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.


I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.



I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?


If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them


Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.