I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
You wish you had this many chins.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.