I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me. - @DamonHunzeker

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

thanksgiving in nutshell

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

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