Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

I never know how much to tip a cow.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.