I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?