I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.