@wildethingy

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

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@jonnysun

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

@bewgtweets

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

@dumbbeezie

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

@T_Bonezzz_

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

@Ygrene

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

@Robert_Beau

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?