how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect