@jonnysun how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
@wildethingy I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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@jonnysun 
@bewgtweets *putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
@dumbbeezie Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
@Midgetspar I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
@T_Bonezzz_ Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
@wife_housy Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
@MonkeyinaDress Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
@Ygrene microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
@Robert_Beau Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
@abbycohenwl Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
