I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I’m an avid indoorsman.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…