I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.