i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
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I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator