I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
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me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
3% human
97% stress
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.