I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?