@Robert_Beau

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

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@withanewname

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

@TheAndrewNadeau

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

@dailyadviser

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

@donni

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

@nevernicethings

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

@kimtopher22

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

@karlainvt

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.