I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
You Might Also Like
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
She puts the hot in psychotic
Received some very disappointing news today
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Care for your back
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow