I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.