I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
😂😂
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.