I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
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It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.