I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!