I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
the Monday after daylight savings
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Hotels are back
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.