I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.