I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Comparing yourself to others
