I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
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[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
found my next D&D character name
May have had one breakfast too many
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what