I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink