I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
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Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
this will hang in the louvre one day
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.