I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Never forget.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*